Disorder in the Court !!!

These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”
, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS : Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan!
_____________________________________________
— And the best for last: —

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS  : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Funny Messages & Directions

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a London Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with

their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the

world :

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO

In a Calcutta Coffee House:

PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

Sardar is Back…

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That’s an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call”.

Judge: Don’t U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don’t U have shame?

Question: “Should Women have Children after 35?”
Smart Sardar Replied: “No!
35 Children R More than Enough!!”

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not
APPLE.

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay … While its landing he
shouted: ” Bombay … Bombay ”
Air hostess said: “B silent.”
Sardar: “Ok. Ombay. Ombay”

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend:
“I MISS YOU”
Sar d arji replied:
“I Mr YOU” !!.

Son: papa, 4+3 kithne hai?
Sardar: ullu ke patthe gadhe idiot naalaayak besharam tujhe kuch
nahi aathaa? Jaa andhar se CALCULATOR le ke Aa..

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st
Patient’s Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch &
Finallly Said:
“Torch is okay”

Sardar1: Oye, what will happen if electricity is not discovered?
Sardar2: Nothing, we must watch TV in candle light.

Teacher: “What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI
and BUDHA?”
Sardar: “All are born on government holidays…!!!

Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewer : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGH-SCHOOL with DIFFICULTY…..

Kon banega crorpathy
Amitab : In which state does Kabery flow?
Sardar : liquid state…..
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS……..

Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says ‘Johny Walker single’
Man on his left says ‘Peter Scotch single’
Sardar says - ‘Baljith Singh Married’

Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k……..but??
how much is DRIVING salary…?

Sardar’s theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!

2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES…NO…YES…NO….YES…NO…

Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend ‘ u said we will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office….

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy..
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written…BC 1760!!!….

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating…….

A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay ‘FRIEND’, but in the
exam the essay which came was ‘FATHER’ . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>
it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.

Just Curious :

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new..?

 Why are they called Apartments when they are all stuck together..?

 How come price and worth mean the same thing but…..priceless and worthless are opposites.?

 Isn’t it strange that a physician has nothing to do with physics…

 Isn’t it strange that a radiologists has nothing to do with radios..

 Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called shipment…..but when you transport something by ship its called cargo.

 If humans evolved from monkeys and apes then why do we still have monkeys and apes?

 Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday, always just exaclty fits the newspaper.

 Don’t worry if someone tells you that the world is going to end today,….its already tomorrow in Australia.

 Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.

 Smoking makes you loose weight one lung at a time.

Upcoming Telugu Block Busters

1) IT Rajyam!!

2) Offshore lo puli - Onsite lo pilli

3) Intlo baava - Office lo Java,

4) Job vachindhi kaani…..!

5) Fire aina Mogudu - Job vachhina pellam

6) Priyudu nerpina PASCAL,

7) Job ochina kothalo….!

8) Project dorakani Papa,

9) Company pettalani  vundhi..!

10) Iddaru programmerla muddula tester

11) Job-e-naa pranam!,

12)Oracle dada-DBMS!,

13) Toli project…!

14) Yevandi mailochindi,

15) Project kosam,

16) Coding Ramudu

17) A Company aithe naakenti..!?,

18) Aaruguru programmerlu!!!,

9)Pandanti Project!

20) COBOL kaatesindi,

21) Programmer malli puttadu..!,

22) Sri SAP Swamy Mahatyam…!!,

23) Pellam PM aithe!!?,

24) …Nee Password Naaku Telusu !

25) Amma,Nanna,O'software engineer!!

26) Srivaariki Oka E-Mail,

27) Review cheddam raa,

28) Naakuuu…Project kaavaali..!

29) …Sorry… naaku already job vundi,

30) Testing ante ideraa

MEERA BHARATH MAHAN

India never invaded any country in her last 100000 years of history.
When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley (Indus Valley Civilization)
The name ‘India’ is derived from the River Indus, the valleys around which were the home of the early settlers. The Aryan worshippers referred to the river Indus as the Sindhu.
The Persian invaders converted it into Hindu. The name ‘Hindustan’ combines Sindhu and Hindu and thus refers to the land of the Hindus.
Chess was invented in India.
Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus are studies, which originated in India.
The ‘Place Value System’ and the ‘Decimal System’ were developed in India in 100 B.C.
The World’s First Granite Temple is the Brihadeswara Temple at Tanjavur, Tamil Nadu. The shikhara of the temple is made from a single 80-tonne piece of granite. This magnificent temple was built in just five years, (between 1004 AD and 1009 AD) during the reign of Rajaraja Chola.
India is the largest democracy in the world, the 6th largest Country in the world, and one of the most ancient civilizations.
The game of Snakes & Ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called ‘Mokshapat’. The ladders in the game represented virtues and the snakes indicated vices. The game was played with cowrie shells and dices. In time, the game underwent several modifications, but its meaning remained the same, i.e. good deeds take people to heaven and evil to a cycle of re-births.
The world’s highest cricket ground is in Chail, Himachal Pradesh. Built in 1893 after leveling a hilltop, this cricket pitch is 2444 meters above sea level.
India has the largest number of Post Offices in the world.
The largest employer in India is the Indian Railways, employing over a million people.
The world’s first university was established in Takshila in 700 BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to mankind. The Father of Medicine, Charaka, consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago.
India was one of the richest countries till the time of British rule in the early 17th Century. Christopher Columbus, attracted by India’s wealth, had come looking for a sea route to India when he discovered America by mistake.
The Art of Navigation & Navigating was born in the river Sindh over 6000 years ago. The very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word ‘NAVGATIH’. The word navy is also derived from the Sanskrit word ‘Nou’.
Bhaskaracharya rightly calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the Sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. According to his calculation, the time taken by the Earth to orbit the Sun was 365.258756484 days.
The value of “pi” was first calculated by the Indian Mathematician Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century, long before the European mathematicians.
Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus also originated in India.Quadratic Equations were used by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 10*53 (i.e. 10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 B.C.during the Vedic period.Even today, the largest used number is Terra: 10*12(10 to the power of 12).
Until 1896, India was the only source of diamonds in the world
(Source: Gemological Institute of America).
The Baily Bridge is the highest bridge in the world. It is located in the Ladakh valley between the Dras and Suru rivers in the Himalayan mountains. It was built by the Indian Army in August 1982.
Sushruta is regarded as the Father of Surgery. Over2600 years ago Sushrata & his team conducted complicated surgeries like cataract, artificial limbs, cesareans, fractures, urinary stones, plastic surgery and brain surgeries.
Usage of anaesthesia was well known in ancient Indian medicine. Detailed knowledge of anatomy, embryology, digestion, metabolism,physiology, etiology, genetics and immunity is also found in many ancient Indian texts.
India exports software to 90 countries.
The four religions born in India - Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, are followed by 25% of the world’s population.
Jainism and Buddhism were founded in India in 600 B.C. and 500 B.C. respectively.
Islam is India’s and the world’s second largest religion.
There are 300,000 active mosques in India, more than in any other country, including the Muslim world.
The oldest European church and synagogue in India are in the city of Cochin. They were built in 1503 and 1568 respectively.
Jews and Christians have lived continuously in India since 200 B.C. and 52 A.D. respectively
The largest religious building in the world is Angkor Wat, a Hindu Temple in Cambodia built at the end of the 11th century.
The Vishnu Temple in the city of Tirupathi built in the 10th century, is the world’s largest religious pilgrimage destination. Larger than either Rome or Mecca, an average of 30,000 visitors donate $6 million (US) to the temple everyday.
Sikhism originated in the Holy city of Amritsar in Punjab. Famous for housing the Golden Temple, the city was founded in 1577.
Varanasi, also known as Benaras, was called “the Ancient City” when Lord Buddha visited it in 500 B.C., and is the oldest, continuously inhabited city in the world today.
India provides safety for more than 300,000 refugees originally from Sri Lanka, Tibet, Bhutan, Afghanistan and Bangladesh, who escaped to flee religious and political persecution.
His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, the exiled spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists, runs his government in exile from Dharmashala in northern India.
Martial Arts were first created in India, and later spread to Asia by Buddhist missionaries.
Yoga has its origins in India and has existed for over 5,000 years.

MEERA BHARATH MAHAN

India never invaded any country in her last 100000 years of history.
When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley (Indus Valley Civilization)
The name ‘India’ is derived from the River Indus, the valleys around which were the home of the early settlers. The Aryan worshippers referred to the river Indus as the Sindhu.
The Persian invaders converted it into Hindu. The name ‘Hindustan’ combines Sindhu and Hindu and thus refers to the land of the Hindus.
Chess was invented in India.
Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus are studies, which originated in India.
The ‘Place Value System’ and the ‘Decimal System’ were developed in India in 100 B.C.
The World’s First Granite Temple is the Brihadeswara Temple at Tanjavur, Tamil Nadu. The shikhara of the temple is made from a single 80-tonne piece of granite. This magnificent temple was built in just five years, (between 1004 AD and 1009 AD) during the reign of Rajaraja Chola.
India is the largest democracy in the world, the 6th largest Country in the world, and one of the most ancient civilizations.
The game of Snakes & Ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called ‘Mokshapat’. The ladders in the game represented virtues and the snakes indicated vices. The game was played with cowrie shells and dices. In time, the game underwent several modifications, but its meaning remained the same, i.e. good deeds take people to heaven and evil to a cycle of re-births.
The world’s highest cricket ground is in Chail, Himachal Pradesh. Built in 1893 after leveling a hilltop, this cricket pitch is 2444 meters above sea level.
India has the largest number of Post Offices in the world.
The largest employer in India is the Indian Railways, employing over a million people.
The world’s first university was established in Takshila in 700 BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to mankind. The Father of Medicine, Charaka, consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago.
India was one of the richest countries till the time of British rule in the early 17th Century. Christopher Columbus, attracted by India’s wealth, had come looking for a sea route to India when he discovered America by mistake.
The Art of Navigation & Navigating was born in the river Sindh over 6000 years ago. The very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word ‘NAVGATIH’. The word navy is also derived from the Sanskrit word ‘Nou’.
Bhaskaracharya rightly calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the Sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. According to his calculation, the time taken by the Earth to orbit the Sun was 365.258756484 days.
The value of “pi” was first calculated by the Indian Mathematician Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century, long before the European mathematicians.
Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus also originated in India.Quadratic Equations were used by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 10*53 (i.e. 10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 B.C.during the Vedic period.Even today, the largest used number is Terra: 10*12(10 to the power of 12).
Until 1896, India was the only source of diamonds in the world
(Source: Gemological Institute of America).
The Baily Bridge is the highest bridge in the world. It is located in the Ladakh valley between the Dras and Suru rivers in the Himalayan mountains. It was built by the Indian Army in August 1982.
Sushruta is regarded as the Father of Surgery. Over2600 years ago Sushrata & his team conducted complicated surgeries like cataract, artificial limbs, cesareans, fractures, urinary stones, plastic surgery and brain surgeries.
Usage of anaesthesia was well known in ancient Indian medicine. Detailed knowledge of anatomy, embryology, digestion, metabolism,physiology, etiology, genetics and immunity is also found in many ancient Indian texts.
India exports software to 90 countries.
The four religions born in India - Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, are followed by 25% of the world’s population.
Jainism and Buddhism were founded in India in 600 B.C. and 500 B.C. respectively.
Islam is India’s and the world’s second largest religion.
There are 300,000 active mosques in India, more than in any other country, including the Muslim world.
The oldest European church and synagogue in India are in the city of Cochin. They were built in 1503 and 1568 respectively.
Jews and Christians have lived continuously in India since 200 B.C. and 52 A.D. respectively
The largest religious building in the world is Angkor Wat, a Hindu Temple in Cambodia built at the end of the 11th century.
The Vishnu Temple in the city of Tirupathi built in the 10th century, is the world’s largest religious pilgrimage destination. Larger than either Rome or Mecca, an average of 30,000 visitors donate $6 million (US) to the temple everyday.
Sikhism originated in the Holy city of Amritsar in Punjab. Famous for housing the Golden Temple, the city was founded in 1577.
Varanasi, also known as Benaras, was called “the Ancient City” when Lord Buddha visited it in 500 B.C., and is the oldest, continuously inhabited city in the world today.
India provides safety for more than 300,000 refugees originally from Sri Lanka, Tibet, Bhutan, Afghanistan and Bangladesh, who escaped to flee religious and political persecution.
His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, the exiled spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists, runs his government in exile from Dharmashala in northern India.
Martial Arts were first created in India, and later spread to Asia by Buddhist missionaries.
Yoga has its origins in India and has existed for over 5,000 years.